5.8

Taken in New Haven in October 2007 during a visit to Yale. The colors of New England Fall are gorgeous! I strolled around with Suvir, Loan and Thy, and we all went back to Hartford for some delicious sushi afterwards. Any night with good sushi is a good night in my book.

Hooray for earthquakes - not.

musings

Taken at the LA Book Festival April 2008. The towers are of course part of Royce Hall at UCLA.

From yesterday at Starbucks:

[ 12:31pm ]

I used to read fantasy books growing up. Dragons, witches, sword fights. The basic plot was always the same – a team of good goes to fight off evil – but I couldn't get enough. I don't why it was interesting then or why I don't read them anymore. The worst though, was when they started coming out with those choose your own ending books. It somehow lost the excitement, not knowing what the writer intended to happen. I felt like I was gypped somehow, but why? They gave me choice, a chance at participation and I just wanted to know what was supposed to happen.

I think the problem was that you didn't know what you were choosing at the time. It wasn't like you'd read the original ending and could choose to believe something different. You only knew that instead of buying a sword, our hero bought some rope instead. Then the story played out accordingly, but you never knew where the sword decision would have taken you, unless you went back to read the other alternative, but of course this spoiled the whole point. I guess that's where my love for fantasy books ended.

Sometimes I wonder how my life could be different. What if I'd gone to that school? What if I was this major from the start? What if I'd dated that guy instead? Would I be happier, worse off or would I still be here? I wonder if life is mapped out, if people are destined down a certain path, regardless of which road they choose. Perhaps these all converge because of who we are, innately. But what if life is ultimately about choices? What if we missed success or real happiness because of just one wrong turn somewhere? How do we find our way back and would it ever be as good as sans detour? I grasp the pointlessness of dwelling, but I sometimes wish I had an alternative ending in my pocket.

cacophony in california

Taken in New York in September 2006 from the Empire State Building. I wish the picture was a better quality, but I took it on film and the scanning was not very good. My apologies since the view itself was spectacular. (Click on the picture for the details)

[8:08 a.m.]

Today is overcast and to my surprise, even a bit chilly. I rolled over to lab to continue staring at cells when I just want[ed] to stay in bed and finish reading my book.

The story has made me think of the upper class more than I'd like to, and I'm reminded of just how much I despise them. We're not talking the offensively rich celebrities and billionaires, but even just the rich and supposedly well educated. The aristocracy and hypocrisy of it all. I was trapped into brunch with a couple I'm not particularly fond of and someone else a couple Sundays ago. There was a mix-up with some fruit order that the place had forgotten about and after the waiter very nicely apologized and left to sort it out, these snobs proceeded to call the man useless for the slip up, commenting that fact is evident by his being a waiter in the first place and not something greater. And you call yourselves graduate students of higher education, wanting to do something for the world?

I admit I've been somewhat of a structural elitist, but I don't take it seriously. I believe hard work is hard work, regardless of where you do it, and that in itself is commendable. The surge of disgust I felt at that moment was so overwhelming I just wanted to leave. I have no respect for the sort and think it's sad that people think their bank accounts and Ivy League degrees are all it takes to make them good people.

euphony in california

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena around June 2007. The picture is of the very fragrant Michelia Alba, which I've been trying to get a snip of ever since. Though I don't like post-processed photos, I like this version since the contrast brings out the water drops. I also like the whimsical twists of the branches and petals.

Suvir and I are currently at Caltech - I'm reading while he's working - so I thought I would update. I'd meant to write yesterday to mark the date, but I suppose today would do just fine. A lot's been happening, and after what's seemed like ages of agony, I'm finally done with the first real hump. Yay! And regardless of the outcome, I'm just happy to put it behind me :)

With the last few months being especially trying, I've gotten to see how few people I truly call friends. Though I still have the sporadic conversation with most, most others seem to have just disappeared with the increasing distance between us. So I want to thank my boyfriend and best friend who's been my rock throughout the trials. Ever patient, ever sympathetic, he's someone I don't know what I'd do without him.

He came to surprise me yesterday with a bouquet of rather large flowers, and after some delicious sushi, we headed in for "The Dark Knight", which was pretty decent. The Joker really made it worthwhile so I'd recommend it. In store for the week are a massive cleaning of my room, a lot of writing, and of course more hours in the lab. But for now, the monsieur and I are headed to the Norton Simon Museum for a stroll, the grocery store for some supplies, and back home for some intense pizza-making this evening. I hope you all have good weekends (with wonderful people).

quid pro quo

I thought I'd post another picture from the aquarium, mainly because I think this guy is so cute and couldn't wait to upload it. This was actually taken by Suvir so credit goes to him. Shortly after we decided we're getting clown fish :)

I'm a bit frustrated at the forced writing I've been doing here lately. I just can't seem to produce anything I'm proud of. With everything going on, it makes me wonder if the growing scientist in me proportionally shrinks the writer in me. Hopefully I can find the balance with time.

Nothing new has happened otherwise. I've cut my hair (again) out of impulse and so within 1.5 months, it's gone from down to my hips to a bit below the shoulders. But I needed a change.

Taken at the Long Beach Aquarium in February 2008. Suvir and I had both never been and the place was nice but a bit smaller than I imagined. We spent a pleasant day roaming the pier though. I'm enamored by these guys, but jellyfish are so hard to capture and though the picture's a bit blurry, I like it just the same.

I was watching "Saved by the Bell" this morning and listening to Miss Bliss, her voice struck a very familiar note. I thought "my goodness, that sounds like Hayley Mills". Turns out it is, and I had no idea. Weird.

I went with Jonathan this past Saturday to Raul's and Jessica's wedding. Congratulations to them both. They had the most delicious chocolate cake I've ever eaten. It needed mentioning because it was that good. Weddings used to feel very distant, just a day to dress up and eat, but now that my friends are getting married, a very surreal feeling passes over me each time. In between the reception chatter, I start to think of my own big day and the days thereafter. Yes folks, we're getting older.

the poker face

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in June 2007. I love the purple against the green and the drops of water.

I went for a late coffee with Chris last night and we stayed until the place shut down. Then we continued the conversation in his car while looking at the stars. It's sometimes surreal getting together with really old friends. With all the time that's passed, you almost meet as new people.

We talked about some things we're going through and the growing up we're trying to do, and the issue of staying positive came up. He said he's perfectly content for about a week before becoming self-deprecating and frustrated the month after. I could only sympathize since I go through the same vicissitudes myself, but we didn't complain about life and call it a night. We got to Cooley's theory of the looking glass self and how people define themselves as the projections of others. Oftentimes we can't help it, but we should at least recognize that we do it. I depress myself with what others think I should be and where others believe I should be; I let them pick at my confidence. He said to forget all that, step back, and work with the resources you've got. And if you don't have the same advantages, make do and do your best; that's what brilliance is and he knows I'm better than this. But I know we'll both lose the feel-good feeling by next week. How do we hold onto good advice?

Taken a few months ago when it was still raining and beautiful. I thought I'd put it up to remind myself of the better weather to come. I hate the heat.

While hanging on for dear consciousness in lab today, I listened to John Mayer's "New Deep", and the lyrics made me think of the past year or so. I'm growing reclusive, and when I do open up, it's with people I've only recently met. Why? I'm not sure. I just feel tired like I'm growing out of my old life. Everything there is the same, just with a change of dress, and looking back reminds me of how much I don't belong there anymore. I don't miss feeling lost, I don't miss always searching, and I don't miss the same hackneyed complaints. I'm just done.

I've got my never-ending work load to return to so rather than search for apt words, I'll just quote the song. I know I've been lazy in filling the lines, but I guess it happens when you find living your life is sometimes more important than just speculating about it. Sometimes.

"Ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule..."