Taken on a road somewhere out of Montana in September 2008. If you've ever been to the state, you'd know that's the only road to look for. Everything literally shut down at the wee hour of 8pm.
Anna Karenina was one of those novels I always wanted to read, if only for the sake of reading them. In a 2007 poll of contemporary authors, Anna Karenina was cited as the best novel ever written, beating out Madame Bovary by Gustav Flaubert. Now being half way into the book, I wonder if those people polled ever even read the book because I just can't seem to sit down and plow through it. In fact, it's not very plowable at all. The chapters are very short and each new chapter picks up on a different situation in the book. Having never read Tolstoy, I can't compare this to any other work of his. I'd known Anna Karenina to be a conflicted heroine and every time I'd heard of her, I imagined a sad train ride away from life, but these choppy chapters make it difficult for me to even follow her story line let alone sympathize with her. I keep hoping the letdown is due in part to my inability to focus right now and maybe the second half of the very long book will prove me wrong, but right now the future does not look promising.
In my frustration though, I did switch to Richard Yates who is very pleasing to me at the moment. I'm reading Revolutionary Road and am amazed at how poignant his observations are. The characters are so real and alive that they encompass me wholely and sometimes I forget I am reading fiction. What's interesting is that this novel along with Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary, both of which separate it by centuries, is about the banalities of life. In each work, people are not ravished by hunger or wars or illnesses. In fact, they have almost nothing to complain about at all, but still they are unhappy and the relationships around them simply deteriorate. Sound familiar? I used to laugh at the melancholy disease, or disease of the spleen if you will, that persisted during the 18th century amongst aristocrats who were prone to fits of sadness and fainting. I thought, These pathetic yuppies have to create something to be sad about, but maybe we now are these yuppies and melancholy has persisted past the aristocracy. In truth, amidst all the things we should be thankful for, why do we always focus on the negative?
Taken outside my house this past December.
If you're reading this, you're pretty special. I only sent invitations to a handful of people since I've decided to privatize my blog, at least for a while. Why, you ask? Because I've made the conscious decision to trim the fat from my life, both literally and figuratively. I plan to get back to top form in regards to my health and emotions. I let far too many things get me down. As far as people go, I'm cutting the rope. I'm finally convinced I can't hold everyone to the same standards. I have to learn to ladder my friends up, so to speak, expecting certain things from certain people depending on where they rank. I'm tired of the affectation, of always hoping for more, of being hurt and disappointed when people don't come through. No more.
Taken at Ventura Beach, California this past November. I feel badly for dissing the previous photo I uploaded since it makes me smile on closer inspection. I like the color contrast is this one. I took it because I wanted to capture what a nice day and beach it was, but more so because I was chasing the birds. The way they waddle makes me happy.
Older people are often wise. So are the fatally ill. And the answer as to why and how is time - not the passing of it per se but the realization that it does and will pass. These people realize they don't have much of it left and so they stop overanalyzing, stop agonizing and just enjoy the moment. Though I'm guilty of it too, I know the one thing everyone takes advantage of is time. Time spent dreaming, time spent with your loved ones, time being happy. I don't want to wait for cancer to come and make me realize how good I had it, and so from hereforth, I want to "live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life ... and not, when I came to die, discover I had not lived".
Taken on Lake Casitas as the sun was setting. I asked the ex for this last batch of photos because I remember taking some really good ones. I just opened them up and turns out, they weren't so brilliant, but I will post them nonetheless. This trip to Ojai was also anti-climactic and I wouldn't suggest the drive. It was small and folksy without the natural appeal, but I did get to stargaze.
The last few days have been irksome and have left me introverted. The same monster of my career has reared its ugly head as I sit home and await the decisions. I think I've been obsessing over trivial matters in order to run away from all the issues that needed dealing with. Therefore, I've been doing a lot of introspection about my actions and where they lead me. I promised myself I'd have a good year.
In other news, tomorrow is my labmate Jonathan's birthday, yay. He turns the big 25, not so yay. We all went out for mini-golf last night - me and the 7 boys in lab - and I beat them all. It was glorious, but I found they are sore losers. Men. *scoff*
Taken in New Haven, CT in October 2008. I saw another one in New York two years prior and it made me laugh as well. No standing, hah.
I'm in the process of backing up all my documents, notably my old xanga entries. I meant to just keep a record, a diary of sorts, but I'm now thinking of compiling them into some bigger work. I wonder if with some tweaks here and there, I could publish it. I've got a few different ideas for projects to do, but the main idea is I want to write more. Chris recently suggested I write a memoir, and after some thought, it's not a bad idea. We'll see what results in the coming months.
I had a very nice conversation with James last night, but it made me a little sad. Despite our efforts at sporadic phone calls, things just haven't been the same since I moved out of LA, and this is true for many of my friendships. I especially miss James and the early morning/late night adventures. Nowadays, there are no sushi binges, alcohol nights, impromptu coffee dates. I understand people move out, on and away, but I've been reminiscing lately about the days when everything was still black and white. You could still be anything when you grew up, friends were forever, and you had a clear rule about rights and wrongs in life. I never imagined things could ever get so gray. It's true that the more you learn, the less you know.
Taken on Tet 2008.
"Later on that day, I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous." -- Sex and the City
This picture was taken from the top of the stairs in the capital of Salt Lake City, Utah. Of course I couldn't capture the grandeur of the place so the picture has no real focus, but I like the feigned perspective you get from the top.
Okay so I think I've finally chosen my new year's resolutions. I know these are supposed to be decided on before the new year, but I wanted some time to choose mine:
1) To believe in myself (again) - I realize a lot of faults this past year came from self-doubt, and with life being so short, I just can't have any of that.
2) Write short stories - It's been a goal of mine for some time (the novel, that is), and I've made a few attempts, but I always felt like I was stealing from books I'd already read. It's only occurred to me a couple months ago to use people and experiences from my own life. Nothing borrowed about that.
3) Learn French - I've said this for the past couple months, but I've finally decided tonight over coffee with a friend. It's my new hobby to keep me preoccupied and working towards a goal.
4) Exercise - por supuesto. What are resolutions without this one?
Taken on a road somewhere out of Montana in September 2008. If you've ever been to the state, you'd know that's the only road to look for. Everything literally shut down at the wee hour of 8pm.
