tenon's space

Taken by Chris today from UCLA without me :( I changed the colors. In the background is Powell Library.

Today marks day 5 or so of cloudy skies. It rained last night and today so the hallways permeate with the earthy after-the-rain smell. Walking up to my place today, I thought of third grade at Myer's Elementary School where the hallways would permeate with after-the-rain earthworms, lying haplessly on the ground as girlish giggles led boyish tennis shoes, their soles lighting up as they ran. I thought of Mrs. Taylor's big multiplication chart and the race to see who would memorize it all first. Diane was my competition, a raven-haired girl with a pretty face who was all smiles on the outside and pure evil on the inside. It's like girls come out of the womb crafty, but I digress.

I think I have such a soft spot for rain because I associate it with most of my childhood. Rainy days forced you back inside and I remember sitting by the window sill watching the water wash over the street and the pitiful tree outside my room. I remember dreaming of some man being so fascinated by me like Darcy by Elizabeth. I remember dreaming of being a doctor. Traveling. Learning how to play the piano. Moving out and being on my own. Being on 'Jeopardy'. The Nobel Prize. It didn't matter what had happened that day or who said what because I was going to go places. I have a soft spot for rainy days because it takes you back inside to a place where things can still happen because you believe they can. I think I've since forgotten how to get there and I wish there were more rainy days to help lead me back.

Lisztomania

Taken at the Griffith Observatory at sunset in November 2007.

I've been absent from everything lately because I thought it would help me concentrate and focus better. Rubbish. I lost touch with myself and reality basically. Why shouldn't you walk down the avenues you enjoy? Put on your dancing shoes now and then? Reach out to people you need? It keeps you sane. It keeps me sane. At least now I know.

I made an emergency call to my twin in LA last night because I've been carrying around such a burden and I needed to talk to someone lest I burst and give up. He could've told me I'm doing fine, that I'm a rock star and I have no flaws, but instead he told me I'm screwing up, that I'm getting lazy and I'm forgetting the basics, because he loves me. I've spent most of today just taking responsibility for everything I've done and for who I've become. It's liberating to know you're both the cause and the cure. Back to the drawing board.

en tus pupilas

Taken by Suvir at the Huntington Gardens in 2007.

Home has never been where I hang my hat; it's where the heart is and that place used to be skyscraper lighted LA, but 3 months, a 3-hr time difference and thousands of miles away later, it's now in a blue and white house in Riverside. It's where two crazy, strawberry smoothie making people are. It's with the lemon trees in the backyard, the coral colored bed sheets upstairs, in my Mom's big kisses and my Dad's big laugh.

I know I keep mentioning how much I miss everything, and you get it. You over-get it, but sometimes I still don't. All my life I've wanted to strike out on my own, have new beginnings, but all the years of daydreaming about this never prepared me for these homesick days.

augh

San Pedro with Chris ..

I'm back finally from a long morning. I woke up later than I would've liked and hauled ass to class. Afterward, I had every intention of getting my package. I begged my parents to mail one of my MCAT books (I know, it's ridiculous) and they added some other stuff. So I head downtown with some of the guys who tell me they're doing the same after a little shopping. We get there and before you know it, they're buying alcohol. Then there's wandering involved and someone we end up on a tour of the city. For 2 hrs! It was ridiculous. I finally have to just hop in a cab back. I go to the coffee shop for a cafe au lait and a brownie then walk home in the rain. Showered. My roommate and some people went to lunch but I stayed in to make a sandwich. It's already 2:30pm and I've done nothing all day. It's just going to be one of those Fridays .. how terrible.

we

The Mann in Westwood.

It's weird to break up. It's surreal. You look back and remember when you used to be in love, and it's weird that you're not anymore. Then it becomes weird that you ever were. It's another life, another time. You were different people, and now you might as well be strangers.

I hate phlegm

My feet at Mile Square Park.

So I am still sick. So sick that I've left mid-way through lecture twice now. So sick that I lost my voice yesterday. Uuuugh, and every time I go into coughing fits, I hate my roommate just a little bit. I'm sorry Avneet, I still love you deep down.

I hate phlegm. I HATE phlegm. I hate being sick. I hate coughing uncontrollably. I hate life right now. I just needed to get that out.

On the plus side though, being sick and without a voice really bodes well for studying.

say, say

Grand Anse beach at sunset.

I am writing to you sick and tired. I spent all of my weekend in bed trying to kick this cold that's being passed around, and it was a miserable 3 days.

I last spoke to Chris on Thursday, and in that conversation, he said I think entirely too much, that that's the reason for most of my problems, and while I'd agree with that about the past, I think I've since kicked the habit. I've been more preoccupied with doing lately and just letting life come at me. Plus my schedule is so packed that there's hardly any room to obsess anyway. I'm not altogether sure which one I like better. Everyone keeps talking about how you eventually find your way and your footing with time, that age really does make you wiser, and all I can say is I can't wait. With the big 25 just two months away, I'm ready to be someone better.