violet hill

This was taken by Loan at the Santa Monica Pier in 2003 during her trip to California. I like the helicopter and diffused glow of the sun. It may be the best beach/sunset photo I've seen. I miss you!

I lost my heart
I buried it too deep
Under the iron sea
oh crystal ball, crystal ball
Save us all
Tell me life is beautiful

A happy new year to all of you :) May the new year be filled not with these old mistakes.

happy holidays

Indeed what is Christmas without poinsettias? This was taken today.

I have spent part of my year working to correct past mistakes and most of the year fretting about those same mistakes. If you know me at all, you'd know I've been haunted by the skeletons in my closet. But who has set them free? And who let them gnaw at me so? The answer to both is 'me'. Just as I drove myself off the course in the past, I am hindering my own retribution in the present with my worries, anguish and insecurities. It's taken me a whole year to see this clearly, at the price of some sleepless nights, missed exam points and people I love, but I digress ... Now that it's Christmas, I think of how much I missed out on.

I have deleted the second half of this post because it focused on some memories from the past, and though I cherish them, I'd like very much to move on. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I hope you all see the good things and people in your life. A very merry Christmas everyone!

through the looking glass

This photo has no particular significance; I just thought the ceiling was cool. Taken in October 2007 at the airport in Atlanta, Georgia.

I went to the optometrist today to buy some new frames, and I got an eye exam for free. Turns out, according to said optometrist, I have gone up .5 to 2.75 in the past year. That's an awful big jump in a year. That's also a lot closer to 3.00, which stands as the gateway between bad vision and just plain crappy vision. I became furious because I'd been at 2.25 for so long and the idea of deteriorating eyesight completely overwhelms me. I remember first realizing during my sophomore year of high school that I could no longer see the board from where I sat. I saw where the scribbles lay but as to what they were, I just had no clue and this made me indescribably angry. I almost cried when I couldn't repeat the small letters on the eye chart. Perhaps this is an extreme reaction, but having to rely on something to get by makes me feel utterly useless. I am not accepting this exam without a fight and am getting a second opinion this week. Maybe I can then learn how to improve my vision and win this battle, despite having lost the war.

a problem

Taken at the Getty Museum in beautiful Los Angeles in April 2008.

I just got back from a farewell party for my lab mate. Toward the end all I could think about was my work and personal problems. I got quiet and forgot to live in the moment. And now I smell like the bonfire.

I talked with a sage and loquacious soul in L.A. last night. We discussed how we both tend to live in the past. We reminisce about the good days, try to go back to them, and are convinced that nothing will ever be as good again. We had emotionally traumatic experiences and for one reason or other, can't seem to move forward fully. What to do? I know moving on is a mentality, not an event you wait around for. I currently botch up my future because I try to recreate the past. I beat myself up over my exam because every day I tried to remember how I used to study, how confidently I went about things, instead of just focusing on the task. At some point you have to forgive yourself, but right now I'm so screwed up.

viva la vida

Taken around 6am in South Dakota somewhere in September 2008. I had woken up early for coffee on the porch after a night of steak and slots with the parents. I lost $5 and stopped because I do not have gambling blood.

I love that December is here but hate that I find myself still bogged down with these applications that I can't seem to get untangled from. Some days I feel I'm fighting a battle in a losing war, and I want to give in, to find solace somewhere far away, but I know I would never forgive myself. I've already run away once. Picking and choosing your battles is a fickle business, and I hope to get better at it in the coming year.

procrastination

Taken on Midvale Ave. while waiting for the shuttle to UCLA. Behind is of course the Wilshire Building and Sister Café, which sucks by the way. I know some non-Californians who have a rather weak spot for palm trees just because they are the epitome of California. I myself have never really thought much of them, but now and then they make me smile. Ah, California indeed ...

brrr

Taken at the capital of Washington, D.C. in late September 2006. I'm putting up my own unimpressive capture to commemorate the fog that came and went so quickly. Though I was ill-equipped for the cold on the first day, I'm sad the sun is back out and beaming.

oh crystal ball

Taken by either Suvir or myself, I can't remember which, at Lake Casitas in late November. We had a very relaxing time in Ojai, complete with hiking and kayaking. I had the tan to prove it.

moving forward

Old photos taken at Literati in L.A., the summer of 2006.

I am so very tired of jumping through hoops.

happy birthday

to Suvir :) Taken at the L.A. Arboretum this past August. Hooray for red!

a new cold

Taken during my trip to Connecticut last year in October 2007. We all went to New Haven to visit Yale. The colors and cold weather were wonderful.

I've been rather sluggish with my work load lately and decided I just have to tackle it rather than wait for the mindset to come.

I've also been reading the Harry Potter books in the last couple of months and have to say I rather like them. However, I still greatly dislike the author. I thought perhaps I just had prejudices against her from what I'd heard so I did some research on her background. She was a poor single mother who got lucky with her stories. She slaved in cafes for months, dislikes the press for their embellishing tendencies, and is rather taken aback by her fame. I am sympathetic to writers - their abilities, their persistence, their faith in literature - and yet, I still dislike the woman. She's not someone I care for at all. It's just odd given that I like her work. I was wrestling these two feelings for a while but decided to just call it a truce. I can like someone's art without loving their life's art.

tomorrow

Taken at the Griffith Observatory last November.

I was stuck in traffic leaving campus today. Why? Because people were advocating Yes on Prop 8. Gag.

On another note, I decided today that undecided voters are like perennially nice people: mindless and passionless.

moving on

Taken at the Getty Museum in Los Angeles, April 2008. The day was chilly and filled with love and Lebanese food.

zsa zsa zsu

October, I love you.

the blues

Another perspective of Yellowstone. This is higher up and very close to the hotsprings. It's amazing how such a variety of temperatures can be thrown together.

barren land

Taken just at the entrance into Yellowstone in Wyoming this past September 2008.

a dreary night

Taken at Niagara Falls, September 2006.

The moon is full and the wind is howling. It's a perfect night for a werewolf tale. *Insert spooky noise* I wish I had plans for Halloween. I'm strangely excited this year.

the waterfall

Taken at Yellowstone in Wyoming this past September 2008. This part of Yellowstone consisted of giant waterfalls, orange and yellow leaves, and seriously cold weather. I'm uploading this to commemorate the desert's current 68F air. Delectable.

the presidents

This was taken again in September 2008. You should already know what the picture is of. If not, please leave right now. The monument was actually a lot smaller than I expected, but the place does have stones representing each state's inauguration, an awesome ice cream shop and café, and the occasional mountain goat :)

life through colored lenses

This was taken this past September (I can't believe it's already October 2008) at Utah's Arches National Park. The place was rather blasé, but everyone around me seemed to love it. It's full of rocks formed by weather and you should go if you're a Grand Canyon kind of fan. The lighting is rather odd in this photo because I took it through my sunglasses :) It was just a thought.

the salt lake

This is the Great Salt Lake in guess what: Salt Lake City, Utah, taken this September. The water was very murky as expected and the day was incredibly hot, though nothing beats southern California.

Something strange happened last night as I was lying in bed waiting for sleep. I heard the distinct pitter patter of what could be rain, though the sounds were sporadic. It sounded like water from our AC dripping into the bucket we leave out to catch it, but that was downstairs in the backyard, diagonal from my bedroom window. I couldn't be hearing that from here. After a couple more erroneous theories, I finally went to the window to identify the sound. And I saw the additional patio awning my parents had built to stretch from where it left off over to my window ... four years ago. The thick grooves were catching the splashes of water. Yet five minutes ago, my memory of the house had included the incomplete patio. I've been back for a year now, and I go out back almost everyday. Why did I still think this?

And today at the public library, I sat writing in the reference section, surprised at all the books marked 2008 and 2009 around me. Somehow I still expected books from 1996 to clutter the shelves, smelling of the old and over-conditioned library I'd spent every science fair season at.

I guess I believed everything stood still here while I was away, that everything would still be in its original place when I returned. Maybe I'm just getting old and sentimental, but it's a bittersweet feeling, knowing life goes on with or without you.

hello october

Taken on Catalina Island right after I paid $11 for a sub-par sandwich, May 2008.

I was cleaning my study and laptop and saw some words I wanted to remember (but have forgotten):

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

californication

Taken near Mt. Rushmore this past week, right before I saw mountain goats :)

I've now been to 23 states and still I find no place beats home. Hooray for Autumn.

decadence

The last roses of college.


On a whim:

My will is enslaved to you
My nerves dance from morsels of you
My thoughts, my heart
My ache, my counterpart
Yes, red is what I see, feel, taste of you.
But after each ephemeral visit
I sit and think, what is it?
Is it your round shape?
Your smell?
No, your taste?
With pockets empty and breathing heavy
I think out the labyrinth of your spells.
I cast off your seductions
Reason out your empty functions
And still I find myself at a junction.
Still wanting
Still waiting
Breathless, I am anticipating.
Alas, what's the use
And why the big fight
Let's just have a good night
So in you go little sushi.

I was just thinking how wonderful my life would be as a food critic since it combines two things I love: food and writing. If you also didn't know, I am addicted to sushi. No amount of metal can keep me away. Everyone has an Achilles heel. Or stomach.

what's life without purple

Taken on Catalina Island in early May 2008. There's really no back story. I just thought the flower was cool.

I think I'm finally done with my writing, at least for now. Hurrah. The next few days are just going to be relaxing, with a bit of work thrown in of course. I'm hoping to finish my project in lab this week, see some people, and then have a nice vacation.

On a random note, Jonathan and I were heading out of lab around 8pm this past Friday, and we saw raccoons! Not one, but two - in Riverside! It was so random, but it made me happy.

pumpkin patches

Taken at the Giffith Observatory in November 2007. I saw this little boy still running around in his Halloween costume and couldn't resist taking a shot. I hope his mom didn't think I was crazy.

I bought a copy of Shel Silverstein's _Where the Sidewalk Ends_ some time ago and afterwards realized something: I have inaccurately rosy memories of the past. Of course, I'd been wondering that for some time. Was high school really that great? Did we really mesh so well? Did you really make me happy? And the answer is: I'll never know; I can't go back in time. But here were concrete pages that were supposed to remind me of my childhood. And yet flipping through, the only memory I found was that I read them once, in Mrs. Lukes' 6th grade class. It was a loan from Lina. The pictures are grotesque and the poems are slightly disturbing. Missing limbs, death, children being eaten. I couldn't possibly have enjoyed this.

It just made me think of how often I, we wish things could back to the way they were. We think everything was easier years ago contrasted with the hard days we face now. But I remember the bullies, the pressures to fit in, crying at night. By the same token, I remember all the wonderful things that have happened to me since. Meaningful conversations, nights out on the town, wonderful people ... So perhaps I will just leave the book on the shelf as a reminder that good things are still to come. In truth, the sidewalk never ends, at least not for this magic bean buyer.

bump

Taken from Griffith Park, Los Angeles in November 2007. Sunset came and set the city aglow. True to L.A. though, the glow first wrestles with the dome of pollution. Also true of L.A., there was a model doing a photo shoot about 10 meters away from me.

I wrote this last year:

My senior year in high school, I struggled with writing and Kriesel (my teacher) told me I was trying too hard to be someone I'm not. I've come to realize the biggest, most difficult challenge in writing is neither grammar nor rhetoric. It is not so much the search for prosaic meter or your place in literary heritage but rather just the rhythm of your own voice. At the risk of sounding like a hippie or fanatic, I think most people write without ever really feeling it, and you sense the disconnect between author and pen.

And now I am going back to learn from my own words. This is absurd.

flowers for algernon

Taken at the L.A. Arboretum early this summer. The day was ending and we were headed out when I saw this huge patch of daisies.

Today I realized I have hit a serious creative block. I'm not too sure what caused it, but I know I have to fix it, quickly.

I will quote Anais Nin in that "when I don't write, I feel my world shrinking ... I feel I lose my color ... my fire".

It's back to the drawing board.

bleh

Taken at the Long Beach Aquarium. I have this bridge at night, but once I uploaded the photo, it no longer looked impressive so here is the day version instead.

My fears:
1. Being a playground for ants
2. Being eaten alive by sharks
3. Visiting the dental hygienist

a place aside

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in June 2007. I think the frame made the shot more than the context.

I jotted down a post the other night about a book I'm reading, but it seems rather inconsequential now. Many thanks to the few people who were actually there yesterday.

tomodachi

Taken at a sushi restaurant in LA some time in early 2006. I have a fear of wasabi, but I've always liked the shade of green. Tony and I had boba and rolls that were only par, but it was one of the many pleasant Phuong-Tony outings.

One of my many life goals was to befriend a sushi chef, that I may have free sushi for life, and I give you: Greg Tan. Check.

the lily

Taken in my parents' garden about 2 months ago. My dad recently grew some water lilies in the pond and is very proud of them.

worker bee

Taken on the plane ride from Hartford, CT into Phoenix, AZ in October 2007. Here is another shot a little later where the setting sun nicely lit up the grooves:

I was the first into lab and the last one home today. I think it's an accomplishment, but then my life has become very simple.

5.8

Taken in New Haven in October 2007 during a visit to Yale. The colors of New England Fall are gorgeous! I strolled around with Suvir, Loan and Thy, and we all went back to Hartford for some delicious sushi afterwards. Any night with good sushi is a good night in my book.

Hooray for earthquakes - not.

musings

Taken at the LA Book Festival April 2008. The towers are of course part of Royce Hall at UCLA.

From yesterday at Starbucks:

[ 12:31pm ]

I used to read fantasy books growing up. Dragons, witches, sword fights. The basic plot was always the same – a team of good goes to fight off evil – but I couldn't get enough. I don't why it was interesting then or why I don't read them anymore. The worst though, was when they started coming out with those choose your own ending books. It somehow lost the excitement, not knowing what the writer intended to happen. I felt like I was gypped somehow, but why? They gave me choice, a chance at participation and I just wanted to know what was supposed to happen.

I think the problem was that you didn't know what you were choosing at the time. It wasn't like you'd read the original ending and could choose to believe something different. You only knew that instead of buying a sword, our hero bought some rope instead. Then the story played out accordingly, but you never knew where the sword decision would have taken you, unless you went back to read the other alternative, but of course this spoiled the whole point. I guess that's where my love for fantasy books ended.

Sometimes I wonder how my life could be different. What if I'd gone to that school? What if I was this major from the start? What if I'd dated that guy instead? Would I be happier, worse off or would I still be here? I wonder if life is mapped out, if people are destined down a certain path, regardless of which road they choose. Perhaps these all converge because of who we are, innately. But what if life is ultimately about choices? What if we missed success or real happiness because of just one wrong turn somewhere? How do we find our way back and would it ever be as good as sans detour? I grasp the pointlessness of dwelling, but I sometimes wish I had an alternative ending in my pocket.

cacophony in california

Taken in New York in September 2006 from the Empire State Building. I wish the picture was a better quality, but I took it on film and the scanning was not very good. My apologies since the view itself was spectacular. (Click on the picture for the details)

[8:08 a.m.]

Today is overcast and to my surprise, even a bit chilly. I rolled over to lab to continue staring at cells when I just want[ed] to stay in bed and finish reading my book.

The story has made me think of the upper class more than I'd like to, and I'm reminded of just how much I despise them. We're not talking the offensively rich celebrities and billionaires, but even just the rich and supposedly well educated. The aristocracy and hypocrisy of it all. I was trapped into brunch with a couple I'm not particularly fond of and someone else a couple Sundays ago. There was a mix-up with some fruit order that the place had forgotten about and after the waiter very nicely apologized and left to sort it out, these snobs proceeded to call the man useless for the slip up, commenting that fact is evident by his being a waiter in the first place and not something greater. And you call yourselves graduate students of higher education, wanting to do something for the world?

I admit I've been somewhat of a structural elitist, but I don't take it seriously. I believe hard work is hard work, regardless of where you do it, and that in itself is commendable. The surge of disgust I felt at that moment was so overwhelming I just wanted to leave. I have no respect for the sort and think it's sad that people think their bank accounts and Ivy League degrees are all it takes to make them good people.

euphony in california

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena around June 2007. The picture is of the very fragrant Michelia Alba, which I've been trying to get a snip of ever since. Though I don't like post-processed photos, I like this version since the contrast brings out the water drops. I also like the whimsical twists of the branches and petals.

Suvir and I are currently at Caltech - I'm reading while he's working - so I thought I would update. I'd meant to write yesterday to mark the date, but I suppose today would do just fine. A lot's been happening, and after what's seemed like ages of agony, I'm finally done with the first real hump. Yay! And regardless of the outcome, I'm just happy to put it behind me :)

With the last few months being especially trying, I've gotten to see how few people I truly call friends. Though I still have the sporadic conversation with most, most others seem to have just disappeared with the increasing distance between us. So I want to thank my boyfriend and best friend who's been my rock throughout the trials. Ever patient, ever sympathetic, he's someone I don't know what I'd do without him.

He came to surprise me yesterday with a bouquet of rather large flowers, and after some delicious sushi, we headed in for "The Dark Knight", which was pretty decent. The Joker really made it worthwhile so I'd recommend it. In store for the week are a massive cleaning of my room, a lot of writing, and of course more hours in the lab. But for now, the monsieur and I are headed to the Norton Simon Museum for a stroll, the grocery store for some supplies, and back home for some intense pizza-making this evening. I hope you all have good weekends (with wonderful people).

quid pro quo

I thought I'd post another picture from the aquarium, mainly because I think this guy is so cute and couldn't wait to upload it. This was actually taken by Suvir so credit goes to him. Shortly after we decided we're getting clown fish :)

I'm a bit frustrated at the forced writing I've been doing here lately. I just can't seem to produce anything I'm proud of. With everything going on, it makes me wonder if the growing scientist in me proportionally shrinks the writer in me. Hopefully I can find the balance with time.

Nothing new has happened otherwise. I've cut my hair (again) out of impulse and so within 1.5 months, it's gone from down to my hips to a bit below the shoulders. But I needed a change.

Taken at the Long Beach Aquarium in February 2008. Suvir and I had both never been and the place was nice but a bit smaller than I imagined. We spent a pleasant day roaming the pier though. I'm enamored by these guys, but jellyfish are so hard to capture and though the picture's a bit blurry, I like it just the same.

I was watching "Saved by the Bell" this morning and listening to Miss Bliss, her voice struck a very familiar note. I thought "my goodness, that sounds like Hayley Mills". Turns out it is, and I had no idea. Weird.

I went with Jonathan this past Saturday to Raul's and Jessica's wedding. Congratulations to them both. They had the most delicious chocolate cake I've ever eaten. It needed mentioning because it was that good. Weddings used to feel very distant, just a day to dress up and eat, but now that my friends are getting married, a very surreal feeling passes over me each time. In between the reception chatter, I start to think of my own big day and the days thereafter. Yes folks, we're getting older.

the poker face

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in June 2007. I love the purple against the green and the drops of water.

I went for a late coffee with Chris last night and we stayed until the place shut down. Then we continued the conversation in his car while looking at the stars. It's sometimes surreal getting together with really old friends. With all the time that's passed, you almost meet as new people.

We talked about some things we're going through and the growing up we're trying to do, and the issue of staying positive came up. He said he's perfectly content for about a week before becoming self-deprecating and frustrated the month after. I could only sympathize since I go through the same vicissitudes myself, but we didn't complain about life and call it a night. We got to Cooley's theory of the looking glass self and how people define themselves as the projections of others. Oftentimes we can't help it, but we should at least recognize that we do it. I depress myself with what others think I should be and where others believe I should be; I let them pick at my confidence. He said to forget all that, step back, and work with the resources you've got. And if you don't have the same advantages, make do and do your best; that's what brilliance is and he knows I'm better than this. But I know we'll both lose the feel-good feeling by next week. How do we hold onto good advice?

Taken a few months ago when it was still raining and beautiful. I thought I'd put it up to remind myself of the better weather to come. I hate the heat.

While hanging on for dear consciousness in lab today, I listened to John Mayer's "New Deep", and the lyrics made me think of the past year or so. I'm growing reclusive, and when I do open up, it's with people I've only recently met. Why? I'm not sure. I just feel tired like I'm growing out of my old life. Everything there is the same, just with a change of dress, and looking back reminds me of how much I don't belong there anymore. I don't miss feeling lost, I don't miss always searching, and I don't miss the same hackneyed complaints. I'm just done.

I've got my never-ending work load to return to so rather than search for apt words, I'll just quote the song. I know I've been lazy in filling the lines, but I guess it happens when you find living your life is sometimes more important than just speculating about it. Sometimes.

"Ever since I tried
Trying not to find
Every little meaning in my life
It's been fine
I've been cool
With my new golden rule..."

oh so tired

Taken just a couple months ago while Suvir and I were driving along the I-10 somewhere. I was fiddling with the camera and then looked out the window to see this briefly. It's one of my favorites because I couldn't believe I actually caught it.

I've nothing else to write really since it's been an exhausting week and I am cranky and tired all over. Nonetheless, I wanted to put up this picture today. Also, I've recently had a tête-à-tête with 2 good friends, and I've forgotten how nice it is to open up with someone now and then. You remember you're not alone, and the world feels a little less scary.

hypnus

Taken at Niagara Falls in September 2006. My parents and I had a 2 week gallivant around the upper east coast during which I got to visit Toronto and Montréal, 2 more reasons for why I want to move to Canada. We went on a cruise underneath the falls where everyone had to wear ponchos. The trip was awesome, but I mostly like this shot because of the heads poking out.

shut your eyes and think of somewhere
somewhere cold and caked in snow
by the fire we break the quiet
learn to wear each other well

and when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place

:: snow patrol ::

chasing sheep

Taken in May 2006. I never realized how pretty tulips can be until I saw these at the Farmer's Market.

I was very late to lab today because I had to take my car in for a check-up. I sometimes miss the walking distances in Westwood and the very available public transport system. Having a car just means having something else to take care of.

I've been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I finally bought some sleeping pills 2 weeks ago and they are ... okay. The diphenhydramine HCl just isn't very strong, and that usually only knocks me out when I am having an allergy attack anyway. Christine suggested I pick up some melatonin, which is supposed to make me pass out promptly. I will probably look into it in the coming week. Any other suggestions are welcomed.

cheap words

Taken at the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena, CA around June 2007. I'd never been and couldn't believe how large it was, but alas gardens still just don't impress me much. I liked the red on top.

I got to thinking, apologies are a lot like greeting cards. You cherish the few you really like, the ones with thought-out messages, the ones that made you feel better, the ones that came at just the right time. These go in a special box. But then there are the rest, the generic Christmas cards, the trite Valentine's cards, the ones someone thought were so funny but you just found crass. Some come with glitter, some with annoying confetti that spill everywhere on your floor. Some are 3 feet tall with 6 inch letters to hide centimeter deep intentions. There's one for every occasion. I wonder why people don't just save the trouble and send the ones that count. Otherwise, what do we gain but emotional saturation and a bigger filing system.

hearing hoofbeats

Taken near the Golden Gate Bridge in July 2007. I stayed at the beautiful Palace Hotel, which I'd recommend, and also got a chance to see Sarah and Dave.

This post comes a couple days late because the week has been so darn busy. And it's only Wednesday! I just wanted to get in my hurrah for the California-legalized gay marriages that took place this past Monday. I've taken out the rest of the post because I rather like the picture and would rather not tie it to political messes. I will say that regardless of gender, people are people and that should trump any feigned morality you can throw at me.

the art of juggling

Taken at the Hammer Museum in LA, Summer 2006. I spent a very enjoyable evening with a friend listening to jazz. I have wavering nostalgia now that it's summer again.

It's been a rather productive day including a nice lunch with a lab mate. I've decided I need a new nose; this one constantly bickers over how it should function.

I went to Target today to search for a new planner and after much debate decided ... not to get one for a while. I obsess over times and schedules only to kick myself down when I don't meet daily set goals. It used to make me feel driven. Now I just feel defeated so I thought I'd tone down the crazy, if only for a little while. One small step for mankind; one big step for me.