in case you didn't know

the juice
it drips and drips,
the heart
it beats and beats,
the lines of your fingers
the way your scent lingers
I fall and I fall and I fall.

purple does something strange to me

Crossing the George Washington, 2013

I've been in an introspective mood lately.  I suppose it's natural when your life solely consists of work and study.

I spent half of this year surrounded by people.  I was texting constantly, seeing friends often, dating someone across the country and yet I felt so lonely.  Something was missing and I just couldn't seem to patch the hole.  In the last month or so, I've stopped returning phone calls.  I ended my short-lived never-should've-happened relationship.  I did it for pragmatic reasons of studying, but I think part of me just craved the solitude.  I've been using external band-aids to fix internal wounds.  Is 8 years too long to find forgiveness?  Maybe it was foolish to think it could've taken anything less.  Either way, this must be what metempsychosis feels like.  Something familiar is coursing through my veins and it feels like the crisp air at 6am, like the glow of late night lamps, like James Joyce and I are friends again.

albatross

Lately I've had a storm in my heart that can't be quelled by any deep sigh, any good book, any loving man.  It follows me around, is across from me at coffee shops, in the corner of my bedroom, in my ear with every song.  I know I have to put it out myself; I just haven't a clue where to start.

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and the greatest times

we will know it

we will know it
more than ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and wait

in that space.

:: Charles Bukowski ::

hellooo

I stopped writing because I stopped taking pictures.

But that's a lame excuse.

My most pressing thought currently is that New Jersey's fickle weather has my sinuses doing somersaults.  And I am not an acrobatic person.

magic

Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,

Eddie touched a troll,

Laurie danced with witches once,

Charlie found some goblins’ gold.

Donald heard a mermaid sing,

Susy spied an elf,

But all the magic I have known

I’ve had to make myself.

- Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends

the long haul

Carriacou Island on a mini-vacation with S, A and D, 2011. After some rain, the sun was just beginning to peak out.

March 16, 2006; 2:15am

Anh called today and in the span of 20 minutes, the last 21 years flashed before me. And I cried. To Skot. For the years passed, for those to come, for those unfolding uncontrollably before me.

But things picked up; they always do.

Walking home I saw a single cloud feign as if it were swallowing the moon, the dying incandescence of the glow diffusing across the sky.

And I realized the beauty of life is in its abuse. Beating, kicking, waning, falling, life runs away and you chase down long, lonely corridors of endless memories. But now and then it lets you win; you catch life in all its intangibility and you spend the rest of your days searching for that high.

----------------------------

January 30, 2012

My own whining is starting to bother even me. At some point the whole world enveloped around me and I can see nothing beyond my own troubles. I forget the bigger truth and the bigger goal to be "a force of nature instead of a feverish clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy", to quote Shaw. Luckily it's never too late to learn and you're never too old to change; it is a leap year after all.